I didn’t know if I’d be writing this weekend since my mommy is in town visiting me from Texas.
I adore my mom. She’s sassy, fun, smart and pretty cool, as far as moms go. So, I finally told her about this blog and what I had been up to. Then, she asked me what the blog was called.
ME: “Mom, I don’t think you really want to read some of the things I’m writing.”
HER: “Yes I probably don’t want to read about all your sex scandals.”
ME: “Ew. What? It’s not sex scandals, mom! Just funny stories about the shenanigans that seem to keep happening now that I’m on the dating scene for the first time in 9 years.”
HER: “Ok. Well I have a question: What’s the difference between a blog and The Twitters.”
ME: [pee in pants a little accidentally]
So, last night was din with MIM and her dad and a Brodway show. Earlier in the day, an online dating dude I’ve been chatting with said he’d be in the Lower East Side for a party and I should join. This sounded good because a) I live nearby and b) meeting up at a party is a great opp to meet the guy, have a drink, but also have bail-ability.
I texted him after I deposited mommy at her hotel and said I would swing by. We’ll call this one Aussie P. I also met up with BFWB and brought him along too—extra buffer! Also, Aussie P, clearly somewhat ashamed of online dating, asked me if we could make up a story [aka lie] of how we met. I suggested we keep it classy and say we met at an “adult book store,” but he wasn’t so into that for some reason. So we went with ‘met on the subway. I dropped my wallet and he picked it up for me.’
We walked into the apt party and I instantly saw an extremely hot Aussie guy by the door. I said “Are you Aussie P?” He said “No, but I wish I was.” [Damn, me too!] Then I saw the real Aussie P—and he was actually a cutie. Good height, cool style, not bad at all. We met, chatted a little bit, but he really wasn’t paying a ton of attention to me. So I began to chat with Aussie J, the HOT apartment owner/party thrower. Lindsey likey! So I flirted with him for a bit, couldn’t get a vibe from either guy, but decided to ride this one out. Despite Aussie P’s cute Aussie accent, there was something about him that seemed a bit…femme? If there’s one thing I've realized thus far, I need a MAN. Like a manly man. Like, Aussie J. He kinda had a Daniel Craig thing goin’ on. YUM.
The Aussies moved the party across the street to a bar and we joined. Aussie P decided to start paying a LOT of attention to me now. Aussie J wasn’t there yet, but I knew he was en route. So it was time for Aussie P’s audition to deem worthiness. FAIL. He’s kinda boresville, asked me ZERO questions about myself, what I do, etc. I would’ve unfailed him if the smooching were good, but it just was soo not. In fact, it was eerily similar to Byrdie’s kissing.
Question: WHO is teaching these guys how to kiss? Or rather, not kiss?! They must to be punished. It’s like this strange, barely pressing lips against yours kissing that just really confuses me as to what I’m supposed to do there. Dudes: kiss me hard. Apply pressure. With feeling. Just both lips, touching both of mine, a little bit of tongue, and we’re good. I'm seriously baffled.
Then, Aussie J shows up and we had a dance party, complete with AMAZING moves from my hilar new friend, AY [LindsAy]. I start REALLY wishing i could institute the exchange program at this point, and upgrade to the better Aussie. He and I did trade digits so he could send me a pic. Finally, I decided I had enough of the bad kissing so I peaced out. Aussie P tried insisting on walking me home. I insisted he did not. I gave him a courtesy kiss goodnight (grody) and went to Meatball Shop for a nightcap from my fave bartender, Spanky...and obviously 2 meatball sliders. At 3am. You know, diet food.
Meanwhile, BOTH Aussies are texting me. Aussie P is pouting that I didn’t stay out with him. Aussie J then txts to say he and other friends are at the apt talking about me. Giddyup! So I write back "Really? Maybe I'm talking about you." He asks where I am and I tell him to come to Meatball. Then, he says "You already kissed Aussie P. Too bad." Snap! Damn Bro Code. I tell him that I was forced into it, and that I think he's really hot. (I'm just going for it at this point.) I also said I didn't know he was interested! He said he was, but Aussie P got in first. Damn you, Aussie P!!! You are boring, a bad kisser and you live in Connecti-freaking-cutt! Ahhhh.
I txt back "I totally get that you have your bro's back. But you live here, and I think you're hot. So if you ever want to hang, you know where to find me."
He replies: "Ok, maybe another time when the dust has settled. Good night, pretty girl."
So far, online dating: 1. Lindsey: zilch
Lesson: When online dating, you don't really "owe" anyone anything. Everything should be fair game, so always go for the Aussie Gold.