Friday, April 22, 2011

Dating story #48, Disaster in Denver

Sorry for the epically long teaser, people!  I literally came straight back from my hell-o-rado trip and straight to work. I'm pretty sure I've been here ever since.  Including today, unGood Friday [for me], where most of my agency is off work, but not those of us lucky enough to be on this amazenutz new biz pitch! Weee!  That's a very sarcastic "Weeee!" just fyi.

What the hell happened in Colorado, you'd like to know?

Here we go. As you may recall in a post from Colorado, I said I had "plans pending" with Boulder Boy.  When he asked me what my weekend plans were and I asked if he "wanted to reserve me," he wrote back that he would and asked what the story was.  
We both decided that I would probably be exhausted Friday night from skiing.  So he asked if I was free Saturday night.  I responded that we were doing an early Passover Seder (shh...don't tell God).  I said he was welcome to join us, but I also totally understand if that's not quite in his agenda and, if that was the case, I could meet up later and was free all day Sunday, not leaving 'till Monday.
HIM:  Lemme get back to you on Seder.  How about Sunday for sure?
ME:   Ha, promise you won't get the 3rd degree, but no pressure! Will def be done early if you're going out sat nite, otherwise Sunday for sure.
Then, in a shocking move:
HIM: Seder actually sounds fun. Lemme know details and what I can bring. Is your whole fam there or just your sister?
ME:  Brave! I love it. :) It's my parents, sister and her bf. (Dealbreaker?) Always an amusing time though.  Will get back to you about deets on sat...if the whole fam thing didn't scare you off yet...
HIM: Hilarious. Let's talk Sat. :)

So, that sent me into a total tailspin.  Wasn't expecting that at all!  But, I specifically didn't write it in my post from CO because I just had some feeling about it.  About ALL of it, really.  Like it was too good to be true or something.
SIDEBAR:  When I showed his pic to my sister, she said "Ohh, I don't trust him. He's too pretty."

He and I continued to text sporadically on Friday. He asked me about how skiing was, etc.  Steady stream of comm was happening.  Then, in the afternoon he wrote
HIM:  Hey, sorry for the in and out, but I'm gonna have to skip the Seder tom nite. Friend's bday party that I spaced on.
*I seriously was almost relieved by this-- thoughts of what my family might do to destroy this situation had danced in my head for about 12 hours and this was like the universe confirming that.
ME: No worries at all. Like I said, we'll be done on the early side. Are u going out in Denver or Boulder?  I may need to have some "family separation time" after that.
*My ultimate strategy/goal was to meet him in Boulder sat night and have a lovely slumber party into a lovely Sunday together, preferably in the gorgeous sunshine they were having.
HIM:  Funny, I can only handle about 48 consecutive family hours before I start to snap. :) We'll be out in Boulder, but I think Sunday will be better for me.
ME:  Ugh, I'm seriously looking for the EJECT button right now. Glad I'm not alone. ;) I'm up for whatever, just keep me posted...

I then proceeded to agonize whether my last text could have been misinterpreted.  Did he think I meant "ugh" to him? Like as in "you're not rescuing me?"  Luckily, Jendel and MIM talked me and my Colorado Crazies off the mountain.  I seriously have never, EVER been this bigigitty about a guy! What was going on here?  I think just being in this semi-isolated, 5th wheel in the family situation [plus skiing + passover + my mom] was adding to my overall insanity.  I mean, really. This is NOT me!  A reader even pointed it out in a very tough love comment, and I couldn't argue with a lot of what she said! Who was I becoming?

Saturday night, I could barely sleep. Ridic! I just had this feeling that I wasn't going to hear from him.  "Sunday for sure" or not, I was just anxious and nothing was helping.  Finally around 7am, I got up and starting doing work for this nutballz new biz pitch.  Everyone was already in the office [yes, on a sunday] and sending emails for hours, so I joined in the effort.  I knew it would help me out both occupationally and possibly emotionally.
Around 9am, I got up and went up to the lovely fitness center in my sister's building.  I had a nice long workout and that really helped.  I told myself that I'd hear from Boulder Boy-- why wouldn't I? I mean, he almost came to SEDER for crissake!  
At 11am, we watched the Spurs playoff game.  I also helped them solve the mystery of "who's bass is that coming through the walls of our apartment?" by Nancy Drew'ng myself around all floors of their building until I found it.  I literally did anything I could to keep my mind off wondering when I'd hear from him.
After discussions with Jendel & MIM, we all agreed that if I hadn't heard from Boulder Boy by 2p, then maybe he was waiting to hear from me, since I was on a family vacay after all. And, it would be fine to send a breezy text. So, I did.
ME:  Hey! Still down to hang today?
as in, NOTHING.
No response.
No nothing.
And that, my friends, is the story of the most confusing thing a boy has ever done to me. 
Around 5pm, after feeling nauseous for hours, I decided F'k it. I'm calling. What do I even have to lose at this point?  I just want to see if this douche canoe has the stones to even answer the phone.
He didn't.
But, it actually made me feel better.  Okay, just a smidge, but still. That was something. 
I then went for a walk by myself. Bought a pack of cigarettes. Smoked about 6. [UGH.] Called and changed my flight for the first one out in the am. And then called Mon
We haven't spoken about the situation, really, at all.  She's not your average gooey, ga ga girlfriend who wants to know all those details. She basically helped put it together and then spaced out.  She also went on a trip to Spain right after that.
But I needed some answers. Did he have a girlfriend?  Am I insane??
She said she had heard that we hung out a few times.  I asked how she knew that-- did Boulder Boy tell Ry (her bf, his bff) that?  She said well, actually Boulder Boy and Ry had hung out the last night he was in town, the night I came to his hotel to meet up with him after his CLIENT DINNER.  I guess he did go to a client dinner, but then went out with the boys which is why (I'm assuming) he tried to cancel/postpone our plans to CO that night, since he wanted guy time.  But since I had no problem coming over later (thinking he was just at a late night client dinner), he did both.  And, apparently, they all ran out of the hotel room minutes before I go there.
Now, does any of this really even mean anything?  No. Not really.  Just that he wasn't completely truthful about that.  And I think it also confirms that he's probably way more of a player than I thought.  Of course, if it LOOKS like a player, and DRESSES like a player, I know, I know... but there was just something different here. 
I KNOW there was. 
I have good intuitions. And I think I'm a pretty good judge of character. 
Where did this go wrong?
All I know is the instant I was in the car headed to the airport to come back to NYC, I felt better.  I just needed to leave it all there.  Return to life. Reality. I guess that was all just fantasy.  But I don't think I'll ever really understand it.  Especially seeing as 
a) We had THREE great almost consecutive nights in NYC
b) He said "See you next week in Colorado?" before leaving.
c) He considered coming to Seder
d) we have mutual friends. I'm not just some random skank he met in a bar.

The good news is, I feel much more like ME again.
The bad news is, this is still kinda nagging at me.  In fact, this am I thought about possibly [POSSIBLY, ok?!] sending him a text over the weekend:
"So...I'm just curious as hell about what happened last Sunday. You can think I'm just another crazy chick if you want, but I just really like honesty. So give it to me. I'm a big girl, I can take it..."

Scenario 1: He won't write back, which puts me pretty much exactly where I am. 
Scenario 2: He will and maybe I can get some understanding and some closure on this.  

Either way, do I really have anything to lose at this point?

Thoughts/suggestions?  Send away, readers!!!


ps- love y'all. xoxo


  1. Oh, do not send that text! I have and it's just crazy! Let him be the one to come back.

  2. NO! don't do it! you'll regret it no matter what his response. You, so far, have the upper hand, and while this totally BLOWS and you don't ever deserve to have this crap happen it just won't go well. Even if he is honest you most likely won't like his answer. Sounds like he's extremely charming but in reality he's a douche and so his answer, honest or not, would not satisfy you. It would be some lameass excuse and then you'd feel even worse.

    Hate to sound so rude, but I've been there AND seen it happen, it's the worst. Just be satisfied with the upper hand and go get yourself a new chewtoy and have some fun!

  3. Don't send the text! In my own personal experience it just makes you feel like crap after

  4.'s a rare guy who will give it to you straight about why he flaked out on you. I had one tell me once (months after the fact) and it was amazingly refreshing and enlightening. So, even if he responds, it will probably be a lame excuse anyway, and since you know mutual people, maybe just skip the text, lest you become known as the neurotic lady (not that it's a crazy text, but could be spinned that way).

  5. Personally, I'd send the text because I feel like you have nothing to lose, but obviously I'm the minority here.

  6. I have two pieces of advice for you
    1. under no circumstances should you send that text!
    2. go to this website and sign up for the next class in NYC.

    I took it 3 years ago and it has literally changed my life and my relationships with ALL men. After having read your blog now since day one, I can see that you might really benefit from this kind of thing.

  7. I'm going to give you some tough love here lady, because I love your blog an I think you're hilarious. Is that enough compliments before I shoot you down? You're way hot too. Ok. You are too forward. I hate playing games, believe me, but you have to play them a little. Letting him (an other guys) know that you're so free and the "hey are we still hanging out?" it's just too forward. You have to let them come to you a little (lot) more. Now do not get me wrong, this guy is a douche ad nothing you can do or say will change that. I personally think you did a little too much a little too soon, guys like mystery. But it sounds like he maybe has a girlfriend. Anyway, good luck with the next guys! I know you'll have no problem getting a new line up for us to read about and I hope this comment wasn't too harsh, it's just my opinion on things...

  8. Do not send the text. I can understand wanting to know what happened, but what are the chances that 1) he'll text back and 2) that he'd even tell the truth? Then you have the next scenario, what if he does text back, lie, and get you even more deeply ensnared?

    Stay away. It's TOXIC!!

  9. If you send that text we will all slap you via the internet. DO NOT DO IT.

    Have you ever read Think Like a Guy, How to Get a Guy By Thinking Like One?

    It's a little stupid sometimes but for the most part, it totally is logical!

  10. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! Do not send that. Just let it go. He's a jerk...typical dumb guy move. That doesn't make it suck anymore, but you deserve better and you're just making it too easy for him. You've got to just accept the reason that he's a jerk for doing that to you and get over it!

  11. let it go...i think he had a gf.

  12. Let it die already! He's a player & you got played. You deserve better and you know it. Don't mention him again to mutual friends and if you happen to cross paths, kill him with kindness.


  13. I'd POSSIBLY agree with the "upper hand" comment if you'd not texted and called him on Sunday. Your clue was when he said "We'll be out in Boulder" but did not invite you or even clue you in to what he was doing. I mean really, you two had already had tentative plans and he was blowing you off completely?? And if he was really into you, he'd have made a definate plan with you.

    So my take on this is, he tipped you off on Saturday that he wasn't into you. BIG CLUE. You ignored it and tried contacting him TWICE on date day, for plans that would have been in place if he were into you. Not good. Upper hand? Noway.

  14. You put him off for the first days you're in town. Then you invite him to meet your fam? Then you get upset that he doesn't jump when you say? Wack...

  15. My advice is to ban anonymous commenters. They, as a genre, have always been and always will be meaningless, cowardly and ridiculous.

  16. A-men, Emily!

    It's fine. Let 'em comment, anonymously. Their cowardly and yes, often harsh/judgemental drivel is a constant source of amusement for me. :)

  17. I am thinking that he had a potential hook up on Sat night (that is why he wouldn't take the hint and invite you out). Sounds like his hook-up worked out explaining the silence on Sunday. Regardless, if he can't commit to weekend plans...he can't commit, and you are better off.

    P.S. I am not a coward...just to lazy to log in. :)

  18. I have read all these comments and I think everything has been covered so let me just say i love your blog and think you are great. Don't let boulder boy bring you down just get back in the game. Don't they always come back anyways? I bet he does.

  19. OMG sista! i'm glad i'm not the only one with dating disasters. hang in there.

  20. oh hunny. annoying. at the end of the day, he's just another pretty face who you only just met & who doesn't even live here. don't over-think it. xxx

  21. You know what would be a really interesting anthropological study? When you ask for advice from readers, require that they give a status line at the beginning of their comment: i.e. "single" "married to THE ONE" "married but not necessarily happily" "in a really good relationship" etc. I don't have any intention of sounding all Mean Girl, but the fact of the matter is that perfect strangers can give you all the advice they want, but how would you ever know if they're individuals whose advice has any merit? The harsh anonymous commenter who says he's not into you and you didn't get the hint. . .might be a cat lady who most likely will never get the great catch. She may be an absolutely lovely person, but not necessarily the person you want to be taking relationship advice from, you know?

  22. I'm very sorry, Lindsey, to hear that things didn't turn out the way you had hoped they would. It happens; I know that better than most.

    The most important thing you wrote in the post, I think, is "I have good intuitions. And I think I'm a pretty good judge of character." That remains true! You have every reason in the world to be confident.

    He's an ass. Move on. Chin up, ok?

  23. Hey girl, you may be over reading these comments already but I wanted to give you a big hug. A few years ago I fell hard for a friend of a friend, had a few amazing 3 day long dates and then didn't hear from him for weeks! I will admit that I got a little text and phone happy, and eventually I heard from him again, but by then I had gotten enough girlfriend advice to resist answering. Still, I get it. And, I think the people who don't get it haven't been there. You'll find a better dude but don't feel bad about the way you handled this situation.

  24. ps. The next guy I met is my now husband, and you know what, I didn't take any courses on how to snag him....

  25. Girl, your story only solidifies my stance that a good man is hard to find and they are SO few and far between! I was totally rooting for CO boy, because he's out here in my neck of the woods (my being in Utah)- but he's just a douche. You are amazeballs and if he doesn't see that, then it's his loss! (And I know it's so lame when people say that, but i'm saying it anyway cause it's true.)
    Keep livin' the dream girl....oh, and I work in advertising too, so I totally know the pain of new biz pitches! xo

  26. I am not a cowardly cat lady. I apologize for offending a few of your readers. I think you were tough enough to read it. Let me start again by saying, I enjoy your blog, for it's honesty and your great sense of humor. And, often harsh posts about the animals in NYC's dating jungle. I have to stand behind what I said in my previous post. Maybe I should have sugar coated it by saying you deserve better before saying anything else, or telling you you're HOT, both are true.

    Now to discuss anthropology/status a bit. I am a single, professional (sales), early 40ish (looks 30ish) woman living and working in California. I bought my first home at the age of 28 and I'm scheduled to pay it off in 7 years. I have a 19 year old son, employed and a sophomore in college. Ok, now on to try to validate whether my experience and or qualifications in the man/dating area deam me worthy to comment. go.
    My first marriage was at age 20, which lasted 10.5 years, total relationship length, 14.75 years. After which, I was seperated/divorced and basically unattached for 4 years. I was a wild girl loose on the west coast and having a ton of fun. Which is how I met husband number 2, which was a whirlwind romance, ending after 4.5 years of marraige, total relationship time 6 years . It was so perfect when it was good. Until we had a major blow up because I would not take a large HELOC (home equity line of credit) out on MY home so he could buy toys. So, I'm now at about 2 years single... again. Back in the dating game. Still having fun, but a more controlled fun this time : ) This time around in the dating arena, I am spending about 5-6 nights out per month. As opposed to my hike through that jungle in my early 30s, where I was spending 12-16 nights out per month. Also my interests in where I want to spend these nights out has changed as well. I still enjoy lounging in the bar or club having cocktails, but this happens less frequently. But this time around, I find myself at events (art, music, fundraisers, food) with like minded people, industry networking parties and private parties with close friends and family. (I had the first wedding for one of my close friends daughters wedding on Saturday. Wow, my friend in the father of the bride role? yikes, that's very aging to admit) So in short... LOL, I think I have been exactly where Lyndsey is. Currently a step or two ahead of her, trying to help her avoid membership into the group, "twice divorced". I am a woman who did not chose well twice in the man area. As I do not know exactly why my picker was so far off, I do know that the exercises I was going through to locate Mr Right proved to be way off. I am a bit more picky now about who I spend intimate time with, (tough with my monster appetite) and do not waste time with the BS. Sorry I did not blow a bit of smoke up your @$$ before I gave it to you honest like. Do not waste time on this one, you DO deserve better. Do not call him, and if he should call you, listen calm and COOL to his reason for the silence and ditching the plan to see you CO. You will KNOW how you feel about him and whether or not to move forward or step away, immedately after he stops talking, like the first sentence/paragraph. Go with your VERY first instinct, the one you get when he stops talking/giving his reason. Unless he has a very good excuse, I know you are smart and tough enough to go find the next. I think when you find the one, you will not be posting about insecurities right away, but much more lovely things.

    Ha...sorry for the long comment...i wonder if/wat the character limit is??

    Like I said earlier, I enjoy your blog! Ready to read about your next adventure!

  27. Wow, these comments are the best source of information, advice and entertainment I could ever ask for.
    Lily- thank you! You made me smile today. ;)
    Anonymous- holy poop, what a story! Life's a bitch, aint it? Good thing we're strong women and just like the epic song, we will survive...

  28. here's the thing. a) anonymous non-cat lady: that was a long-ass "comment". maybe you should start writing a blog. b) for colorado (so already over flaky people), my view on life: don't let your mouth - or your texts - write a check your butt can't cash. boom. done. moving on.

  29. I didn't read all 28 comments here, but I think he lost his phone. Really.

  30. Listen, I'd LOVE to think he "lost his phone." But in this day and age, that's something that usually puts you out for about a day, right? Then, you get a new one. Get all your contact info back. And, with that the ability to reach out and touch [ie text] someone about what happened.
    Maybe some day, he'll man up, apologize, and we can take it from there...