Monday, June 6, 2011

MANdate: The slow boat to China.

Ah, summer.

Like fresh fruit or flowers, I feel that I am finally "in season."  Too bad my dating life isn't really keeping up so well.
But, you know a day is going to start out well when you're wearing these:
That's right, readers. Yellow Manolos. On sale, to boot!
I ordered these suckers online last year, thinking "how fun would yellow heels be to jazz up a monochromatic ensemble?!" Then, the box came.
These were no yellow shoes.
These were cornea-burning NEON day-glow yellow.
After the initial shock wore off, I fell in love.  And, guess who else loves them? MEN.
You know. Bright colors. Shiny objects. Cause men? They're like fish. Only slimier. [hee hee]
But I'm enjoying a little color in my life, not to mention, on my flesh. And, guess what else I'm enjoying?  Waking up and looking at my face in the mirror every day only to admire these:
Please ignore the extreme close-up of my wrinkles and other face-oddities and focus on my amazing LASH IMPLANTS.
The place is literally like a Korean eyelash sweatshop and honeys, they have a customer for life now!  I can't get enough. No mascara. Long natural looking lashes? um, YES.
Too bad there's been no slumber party action of late in which to truly appreciate how un-ugly I now look in the am. Life-changing.

So, on to our MANdate.  

Last week, since I had not heard from 6'4 in a few days, I decided to do something about it. Yes, this goes against many [MANY] of your suggestions, but really. How often do I ever follow rules or take advice? Right.
Although, after the fact, some of you randomly suggested I do the very thing I did! So, kudos to you suggesters.
I did, indeed, send him my own some-e-card. But, I upped the ante. I created my OWN some-e-card. A little-known option. Highly effective. 
Besides, I'm a writer. If I can't write a funny e-card, then I...well, SUCK.
It worked.
I got a notice that he had read it literally minutes after I had sent, yet, no response for awhile.
Later, he "liked" my FB post from that day {yes, here we go again with the FB BS}. This caused me to get my thong in a complete wedgie, wondering why he'd like my post yet not responded to my uber-creative e-card.
Then, he did.
And, he called it uber-creative. [Weee!]
He made a few funny comments, told me about his move over the weekend and asked me how my week had been thus far.
I wrote back some more wildly hilarious [see: kind of funny] banter and also told him "Be on the lookout for the several hundred matchbooks I’m sending you as a house-warming gift."
This came from a moment we had on our date where I discovered homeboy may be a pyromaniac.
He loved this.
He wrote me back: "In a rare occurrence, the latter portion of your email caused me to literally laugh out loud. It takes a lot for the written word, authored by a "regular" person, to make me laugh. Bravo, [my last name]. Bravo."
Seems like I'm getting closer here, right?
So I wait until the next day, Friday, to write back a pretty funny email response. 
A few hours later, I get a text:
HIM: "I'm in the mood for a second "date" in the very near future." 
a) very near future. what the who what is THAT shit?
b) "date?" Why the frickfrack is that word in quotes?  Is it a synonym for another 4-letter word? AHH.
So, instead of asking him any of these questions, I decided (in a rare moment of clarity) to play it cool.
ME: "Hmm...second "date?" I think I could handle that."
Then, hours passed by.  I figured at this point I would hear from him in the very near future. Like, August.  
So I took off to my beach house.  And, as I was watching the sunset on the ferry, I got a text back.
HIM: "I think you could as well. You handled the first date pretty nicely. You're a lot of fun. Most girls bore me. Not LK. She plays to win."
Cut to me, on the ferry deck, jumping up and down like a 6 year old who's just received her first My Little Pony. Why? I'm not sure. But that text was a nice one to get.
So, I waited till about noon the next day to respond.
ME: "Why, thank you. And to think, that was only my B game. You're pretty fun yourself. And I've definitely seen my fair share of boring..."
HIM: "Boring people bore me. So do ugly people. Enjoying your day?"
ME: "I hear that, we call them BUU. Boring, ugly & uninteresting. Great day, killer weather! You?"

End. Of. Comm.

Now, I know Mr. Ambition works like crazy and is incredibly driven.  But I'm reeeeal confused now.
-Seems interested.
-Thinks I'm funny/not boring.
-Made mention of an [incredibly vague] second date.
What gives?

Wow. Just writing that and then re-reading it made me feel annoyed and dumb.
I need to get off this slow boat to China.
At least if I got on the one to Korea, I'd end up with a beautiful set of lashes...

Wah Waaaah.



  1. I really appreciated your usage of the Charlie Brown parents "wah waaah" applicable. What is it with these boys who feign interest and disappear? How difficult and time consuming is it to send a text? Not at all.

    My inner crazy would want to text and say something along the lines of, "so by near future did you mean in dog years?" or something slightly sarcastic/witty/abrasive/get the point across that i'm annoyed......
    But don't listen to the inner crazy! I always regret it when I do. Wait it out- let it ride. Annoying as hell, but always worth it to keep the dignity. :)

  2. Brilliant idea to write you own card! And yes! those lash implants are life changing. I LOVE mine! Hmm, a dead stop in communication? Possible that you lost service on the ferry and have a lost text out there? My close second thought was, this guy is playing the field and was distracted by another, or his wife walked into the room. Play it cool.

  3. Ha! I like to think of all kinds of scenarios that involve a wife or second family. But this guy's young. Who knows. It hurts my brain too much to wonder.
    As for the lashes, I'm. Fully. ADDICTED. How will I ever stop??

  4. I gotta say, the guy sounds like a tool. He just sounds like he's making you work for it so hard, and slowly dolling out his approval. Shouldn't he be interested in getting YOUR approval? Instead he's acting like he's doing you this big favor by thinking you're cool (when your obviously very, very cool.)