Don't Call It A Comeback...

Hello, amazingly patient and understanding blog readers [if I do, in fact, still have any of you.]


I'm Back.


"oh sure, Lindsey. Sure you are.  We're not falling for this again."


Right. I get it. But lemme tell you, it's been one shit-hurricane of a few months!  Yeeehaw.  I can't believe I even still have motor skills. 
I digress.
I'd like to start blogging again.  That is, if you'll keep reading?
I've actually had quite a few misadventures in the past few months and am working on writing a funny one right now.  So, it's going to be a gradual, step-by-step-Goose n' soda-in-hand kind of comeback.


BUT.


In my blog absence, I've been hugely into Instagram.  In fact, I rarely use the Facebooks these days.  So if you've managed to find me [all you Nancy Drews out there!] that's probably why I haven't friended you.  I hate it.
But 'the instas?' We LOVE.  So, I'd love it if you wanna follow me.
@linzfaryl is my name.
And, I'm attaching below a sampling of my fave instas (so hard to pick a few!) from the last few months.
Enjoy and I'll see you reeeal soon with the juice!

"Sexy Sue Goes to London"

"MIM commandeers our 'luxury' boat"

"Corn Man"

"Ad Prom"

"Untitled"

"The 1am Bacon Sammy. With mayo."

"Hey Lady"

"Rooftop Jammin' with BFWB & Friends"

"Happy 4th! Eat sand and die."

"Betrothed Sister Toast"

"Too much laughing, not enough oxygen"

"Pork knuckle"

"Backstage at 'Watch What Happens LIVE"

"Arsty as Fuck"

"Irish"

"When Guys Tell You How To Pose"

"You say tomato..."

"Tracking Graffiti Art Progress"

"Reacting To MIM's Driving"

"Frisbee for One"

That's it for now, sugarcakes! Hope you enjoyed and see y'all soon! 

Passover in the Lonestar State

I just got the Blogger app on my iPhone so I'm taking her for a test drive!
Hope you liked my Nicaragua post. It made me feel lazy and cranky now that I'm back. Luckily, I have some great stories for you. Unluckily, I'm in San Antonio and The General (aka mom) had commandeered me to do "fun" tasks like peel 10 apples. By. Hand. (pictured). Other fun tasks included going wedding dress shopping with my sister, B.H. Which is awesome, seeing as she doesn't even like wearing NORMAL dresses. Although we did send this pic to her fiancé as "the winner." His remark? "I will rule any kingdom with you." Well-played, sir.
Another fun thing that's happened at home was when my sister, who cycles a lot around her town in Colorado, discovered this helpful article my mom left waiting for her upon arrival.
I. Love. Home.

Ps- where are these pics even going to end up and in what order? Blogger app: FAIL.

Good luck deciphering. And stay tuned for my next MisAdventure. It's a good'n!

Happy holidays, lovelies!

My MisAdventures in the Third World

That's right. As in Nicaragua.

Last year, I was frustrated. I saw all my best friends taking these amazing yearly trips with their significant others-- Guatemala, Turks and Caicos, Bali...and I was mega jealous. I looove to travel, I finally have the means to do it, and I was sick of waiting for a dude to do it with. Then, S-bomb (fka "Tita Sue") popped up last summer and said, "Yo. Wanna go to surf and yoga camp in Nicaragua next spring?" 
Me: "Yep."
Done and done.
Our awesome friend Ruth had put together the whole thing and, when I'm not in charge, I just go with it. Plus, due to my hectic schedule I just hadn't bothered to do any research other than looking at the packing list [and then forgetting half of it]. I hurtled myself on a plane a few weeks ago and off I went to Managua. With a raging sinus infection, I might add. [Bonus!]
I got off into 90 degree weather feeling kinda crappy but was greeted by my nice driver.  I got into his car and asked "¿Cuantos minutos al Coco Loco?" (how many minutes to hotel Coco Loco?) His answer: "Dos horas y media." 
Umm...2.5 hours??? 
¡Dios mio!
This is where some research would have prepped me for that. Oopsie.
But I slept most of the way there and enjoyed the ride.  I got there at sunset, just in time for the rest of the girls to greet me. I was a day late because I had stayed to go to a wedding with you-know-who. [Good idea at the time.]
Anyway- 
S-bomb was there to show me our cabin and the lay of the land.  It was far more rustic than I had anticipated, however, as I adapted, I realized it was a very NICE rustic. Extremely well taken care of, with sprawling grounds and gorgeous views of the ocean.

The biggest shock: 

The outhouse.

But wait- let's back that booty up a sec.

El Coco Loco is a beautiful and unique  

place that is eco-friendly. Which is very intelligent in a country where the power just randomly goes out for a few hours every now and again. Now, I've used an outdoor toilet before. However not one that has no water and doesn't flush. Nope, this baby is straight up COMPOST. 
Yes, kind of a shock at first (once again, lack of research + idiocy on my part). Until you later realize it's the least smelly bathroom you've ever used! 
And how brilliant to feel like your waste is not going to waste! [hee hee]. Plus the staff and people that run the joint are just top-notch. Lovely people who aren't just beach bums-- no no, my friends. This lot is extra-amazing and not just because they're all pretty easy on the ojos. But they are committed to giving back to the community.  Not only can they drive down the dirt road and address all the local neighbors (and their roosters) by name, but they have done amazing things like BUILD A SCHOOL and give the area children a place to play and learn 2x a week, all through their Waves Of Hope program.  Totally awesome. Completely inspiring.
Speaking of inspiring, did I mention that I SURFED??!?! 
Talk about things I filed in the "probably never able to do" category! But when you have an incredible teacher and support crew, I guess anything is possible. 
Enter: Holly Beck

Surf instructor extraordinaire, Holly, is the one who puts the whole enchilada together. Her surf and yoga retreats, Suave Dulce, offer women (and the occasional dude) a unique adventure that allows you to take whatever you want from the experience. Holly is not only funny and California chillaxed, but her calm-yet-thorough style of teaching is undoubtedly what got all of us first-timers (like moi!) up on our boards and actually riding waves. And the chicks who had surfed before saw noticeable changes and improvements in their skills. How could you not from someone who not only teaches but stands on the beach jumping up and down cheering for you when you get up?  I mean really, what could be better than that kind of positive reinforcement?!  Plus, wouldn't you want to take lessons from someone who can do this:

She's got many "circus tricks" as she calls them, but this one was pretty epic to watch. Especially when you're out there trying to figure out how to simply STAND up on the surfboard without breaking your entire body. 
And, even though Holly does pretty much all activities with the amigas, as she refers to us, it's not all fun and games. She takes her role as teacher quite seriously. How so? The first day out, I noticed a video camera set up on the beach. I assumed maybe they took some footage of some good waves for us [assuming we caught them!] and that was part of the whole package. Turns out, Holly  tapes us surfing every day, combs through ALL the video, and then reviews it with each of us individually almost every day at breakfast, so we can see what we're doing wrong, right and areas for improvement. What an amazing tool! That bit of extra effort and care was such an unexpected bonus and greatly appreciated by all. 

Look, Mom! I'm SURFING!

It's Holly, her attitude, the entire vibe of all the staff at El Coco Loco, (shout out to Jamie!) that made this experience so completely unique and wonderful. Oh, and did I mention crazily, epically, FUN?? 

Holly rooting me on as I ride a "giant" in.

Sonny, yours truly, and Holly 

Even our daily yoga class, atop a lofted, breezy cabana with views of the serene ocean just felt like blissful relaxation, as opposed to "exercise." It also helps to have an incredibly rad yoga teacher, like Cydney Gurvich.

Me n' fave Brit chick, Jinx

If you need further proof, see my all-time fave pic from the trip. That's Holly on the right-- perfect herkie and all. Hollaaahh!
Did I mention that the trip also included a little thing called VOLCANO BOARDING? 
Apparently, it's #2 on CNN's "bucket list." You basically hike your ass up a 1,000ft volcano, Cierra Negro, whilst carrying your board [think: sled]. Once at the top, dressed like a crazy, shrouded Hazmat scientist, you proceed to sled down. 

Me n' the amigas at the base...
before we knew what we were in for.

Sunday driver.

For some, as fast as possible.  A dude at the bottom is actually holding a radar gun so you can know how fast you're going. The record is 87mph. I somehow got stuck and went a whopping 10mph. [Ugh]. However the ever-adventurous Holly Beck has made several attempts to break the record. Unfortunately, she ended up breaking her ankle instead. 

This is some serious stuff people!
But what an awesome experience. What a view. What a rush. Well, for some people who went more than 10 mph.[Still bitter]. 
The magical week of what I began referring to as "Adult summer camp" was rounded out by getting to ride horses on the beach at sunset. And, even though I'm from Texas and have ridden many a horse, I've never gotten to RUN on a horse. 
Oh man, what a rush! 

Holly said to wear long socks. I took that memo.

It's windy as a mofo!

Pic by Cydney Gurvich: 
Me & Crazy Eyes Killer

Here I am with my horse. I named him Crazy Eyes Killer. He did not like me. At. All.


So I could keep going on and on about this uniquely special experience, but really--y'all should just go there and experience it for yourselves. I'll leave you with some more pics and a supa' awesome {video} that Holly put together. Too bad vanity has prevented me from posting on Facebook, but I'll let you guys in!

Sonny and her "sturdy" board

The inimitable Holly Beck

Another bit of Cydney's magic!

With mejor amiga, Sue. And, killer dogs.

Amazing French resto, Al Cielo.

Me n' mini Ruth! ummm- Who's pale?

My awesome surf amigas and Coco Loco staff!

Ahhh...Pura Nica!

It's Official: The Universe Hates Me.

Or at least it did on Tuesday.


Funny, just when you think you've hit rock bottom, you fall through the creepy trap door and hit the concrete basement floor. 


*OUCH*


In re-telling my day to my favorite editor dude his exact words were "You need to blog this."


Ok, here goes.


Tuesday was my 3rd day of complete speechlessness due to laryngitis.  It was also my 3rd day of that horrendous juice cleanse. All things were beginning to take their toll.
Monday night I had been writing to my ex-hubs sister since I saw her post on FB. Their amazing grandma has not been doing well and was going downhill fast. I woke up to a long email from her that made me really sad.
Luckily, I have my pilates session on Tuesday mornings. Although I hate mornings [and working out] I am REALLY loving pilates on the reformer. It's a great way to start the day plus has really helped with many of my body creaks and tweaks.
Luckily also I got there a little early since my ex-hubs called me at 7:45a. I didn't know what to do with the no talking and almost pilates time, but I knew I had to answer. Of course he told me the news that she had passed away, and of course we're both crying on the phone. In my gym locker room. At 8a. Neat-o.
A busy day at work then ensued and entailed dealing with the head HEAD honcho of my agency and trying to solve some copy problems very quickly. Super easy when your only means of communicating is writing and/or miming (aka gesticulating wildly.) 
Finally escaped only to have BFWB drag me to band practice where I obvs couldn't sing [or talk to anyone]. All I could do is play the tambourine and the keys which I have only recently started to do in the band. Guess what that did? Made me realize just how much I SUCK at playing the keys. I am currently trying to fire myself. So far, it's not working.
Left practice feeling pretty low, which is usually the exact opposite of how I feel. Got home and lazily began to look at Twitter, something I rarely do.  Now, I haven't mentioned much/anything about my {former} relationship with E-Blue, which will be his name moving forward.  I will continue not to say much out of respect, but along with him came a whole group of friends, including his brother and amazing friend Bizy whom I was lucky enough to know prior to meeting him. However, Bizy and I have become extremely close girlfriends in the last 6 months, so thus- I am still connected to E-Blue and the whole group.  
While many people have encouraged breaking those ties as well, I see no reason why I have to suffer ALL those losses right now, especially when this wasn't really my decision. It's like he wins that way. Besides, we all know breaking up with a girlfriend can often times be WAY worse than breaking up with a guy. So, Bizy stays! 
Anyway, one thing I love about this friend group is that they are AA [see glossary if confused], successful, and FUN. Just plain freakin' fun. They do activities, make plans and even do FMN, Funny Movie Night. How cute?
So, through Biz I knew they were doing a FMN that night which, of course, made me sad but whatever.  However, when I was randomly looking at Twitter I just happened to see a tweet from E-Blue about it and that it was the Muppets. 
Cue: Lindsey bursting into tears.
Why do the Muppets evoke such emotion, you ask?  
A) the Muppets have long been a part of my history
B) a whole group of us went to see it in the theater together when we were dating and it was an extremely memorable night. E-Blue and I have also quoted the movie quite frequently ever since.
I'm sure he didn't think twice about that tweet and would never intentionally hurt me, but I just found it so insensitive.  I'm sure the not speaking or eating food for 3 days may have had a hand in my emotions as well at that point? 
After I had a good cry, I yelled [in my head, silently] "RECOVER!" to myself and went to put some music on.
Since Bizy and our other friend Chi-chi were coming to my place for din the next night, I wanted to tidy up a bit.  So I reached down to pick up some trash from my kitchen floor. And found myself touching a....
DEAD. BABY. MOUSE.
Waaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
You can bet some audible sounds came out of my mouth then.  I also proceeded to do some sort of "Elaine" dance as I convinced myself I had to Man up and get rid of that sucker.  
I put on sunglasses, so as to see it less (great rationale, right?) and finally scooped it into a bag and ran out the door to the hallway garbage, freaking out along the way.
As I opened the door to my garbage room, for the first time in 3 years, I found that some neighbordouchecanoe had so thoughtfully shoved FLOOR TO CEILING boxes into that tiny room, making access to the garbage shoot impossible.  
Are.
You.
F*KING.
KIDDING.
ME???????
I literally looked up to the sky and thought that.  Finally I found a way around them and threw the vile creature down to its burial ground.
I promptly took a Xanax and ended this day that I imagined Saddam Hussein and Bin Laden had contrived somewhere from the bowels of Hell.
So let's recap, shall we?
-7:45a, ex-hubs notifies me of Grandma passing
-Can't communicate at work
-Endless harassment from boss about said lack of comm
-No singing at band practice
-I suck at piano
-No food in 3 days
-Read tweet about Muppets movie. 
-Sob
-Touch dead baby mouse
-Have to sweep up dead baby mouse
-Troubles disposing of dead baby mouse.


And, SCENE.


Thank you for listening.


To end on a lighter note, about 3 weeks ago, before all this stuff hit the fan, I took an epic trip to Nicaragua and my next post will be about that, so stay tuned!

Dating story #71: From Flingtown, USA to Heartbreak Hotel.

Well, everyone. I'm back. 


And, sadly, not with good news.  


Alas, my 6 month relationship has ended.  Actually, it ended about 2 weeks ago and I haven't been able to write...or really do much ever since. 


If you can't tell, I'm pretty sad.  I really thought there was something there and, although he did too, looks like the timing is just not in our favor.  So, here we go with yet another of life's *delightful* setbacks: 

heartbreak


I know I've been married and in another serious relationship. And it was extremely hard when both ended. However, both times were my choice. This time? Well, I don't want to say I got "dumped." But he was the one struggling. And if something isn't working for one person, it's not working for anyone.  
He is definitely "in flux" at this time-- unsure of career moves and also life moves/relocating. My POV is that you can make anything work as long as you're in it together.  But apparently, I'm completely effing wrong. One thing that has helped immensely is a book a co-worker randomly suggested I read a few weeks ago, prior to the breakup even happening.
And--brace yourselves--it's written by Steve Harvey. 

Yes, I too think it odd that I've been running around proclaiming a relationship book written by a black, male comedian to be up there with the Bible in terms of advice, lessons and truth, but there it is. 
The first chapter alone [ps skip the prologue and go right to chapter one] had my eyes bugging out of my head and my head nodding, while trying to keep eyes in.
With real advice such as: "[If a man] hasn't lined up the who he is, the what he does, and hte how much he makes in the way that he sees fit, he can't possibly be to you what he wants to be. Which means that you can't really have the man you want. He can't sit around talking with you, or dream about marriage and family, if his mind is on how to make money, how to get a better position, how to be the kind of man he needs to be for you."
Want a little more? Here's the kicker:
"In my experience, these facts don't always sit well with most women. Many of you figure that if a man truly loves you, the two of you should be able to pursue your dreams together. {Yes! Get out of my head, Steve!!} Stability is important to you, but you'd rather build the foundation of your relationship together, no matter the man's station in life. This is honorable, but really, it's not the way men work. His eye will be on the prize, and that prize may not necessarily be you if he isn't up to where he wants to be in life. It's impossible for us to focus on the two-- we're just not that gifted, sorry."


Are you guys looking at this like- WHOA?


He goes on to say they don't necessarily have to be completely established or at the end of their road, so long as they are on the track to achieving their goals and they feel secure in their position.  You can find this simple bit o' genius {here}.
In hindsight, this makes so much f'ing sense I feel stupid. It's pretty much (in most ways) the reason NONE of my relationships have worked out thus far. Hmm. Maybe someone needs to adjust their picker, huh Lindsey?
Also feeling particularly horribleterrible right now due to total laryngitis which has meant 3 days of not talking. On the upside, I think I may be qualified to enter the convent soon.  This also comes with the unfortunate timing of me starting the BluePrint Juice Cleanse on Sunday--it was a gift from someone. I figured I've never been less interested in eating so why not do this now? GREAT idea, Lindsey.
-No voice.
-No food.
-No dude.
Somebody, hide the razors and STAT!


So, seeing as I'm a) back and b) a heartbreak virgin, I'd love to hear your thoughts on the matter. What's helped you get through? And more importantly, do you know any tall and STABLE men in this city that you'd like to set me up with? 
{just kidding}
{sort of}


xo

Hellooo, blogosphere!

Here I am.


Lindsey.


Yeah, I'm still alive AND my fingers can still type!  


But how rude of me-- how have all of YOU been?


I apologize for my absence, but my life has changed just a little bit lately.  
And yes, some of you have noted that some previous blog posts are now MIA. 'Tis true. I removed them. I had a momentary internet/privacy freak out spazz moment and undid them. Which is really too bad since they were pretty good and had pics! But alas, it was the right thing to do.


So, as many of you clever Nancy Drews may have already deduced--


I'm. Dating. Someone.


Wow. That even just looks weird, right?  
But yeah, that's what seems to be happening.  
It's been a slow progression but I'm pretty smitten.  
And, as many funny stories I've had about this one along the way, I just feel that writing about him is a violation.  Hell, I'd be mortified if he found this chronicle of my insanity at all, but at least he can't judge for things I did before I knew he existed, agreed?  But finding me writing about him would surely be a deal-breaker and not one I'm willing to risk.  


However, this all begs the question: 


Now what?!


I don't really see the need to "shut down" this blog.  And, I've really enjoyed telling my ridiculous stories and hearing your feedback and commentary. So, why stop?


I'm not gonna!


I plan on continuing, but it will probably be more of my:
-random musings 
-love of shopping
-any/all beauty products


PLUS, I'd really love this to evolve into some sort of dating forum.


You know, you write me (anonymously if you like) any questions or even just rants about the idiocy of men and the pain that is dating them, and I will respond within the blog.

How fun does that sound??!


I'm on board if y'all are.  So, holla at a sista, would ya?


{missed you}


xoxo

Dating story #70, It's not always sunny in SoCal.

Oooh people!


Have I got a story for YOU.


After blogging yesterday and seeing some of the excitement that fostered, I began to worry that SoCal may have even forgotten about our drink plans.  But, I also forgot that my office is an iPhone nuclear zone and I ended up getting a text from him 40 mins after he sent it. How RUDE, iPhone!
He asked if we could meet a little later than 8p or even Thursday night. Thursday wasn't an option for me, so I agreed to meet at 9pm last night.  Which ended up being good since my trainer rocked me and made me a giant sweaty mess, which meant straight home to start the whole process over. 
While I was home, gettin my pretty on my phone rang. This cutie I met awhile back from North Carolina was calling to see how I was doing.  NC is so adorable- 6'4, JEWISH, and smart.  I thought he was 26 which is still too young but I was kind of bored at the time and loved the fact that he was so mature in the way he pursued me to go on a date with him before he left town.  At the date, he turned out to be 24! In my head all I could think is "I am almost a DECADE older than you. Neato." But we had a really lovely date and I tried to ignore the age thing.  What does it matter, anyway? He doesn't live here.  But so sweet of him to call. 
I hung up with him in a happy mood, still GREATLY anticipating what my night with SoCal would have in store.
At 8:40p, text from SoCal:
SoCal: Hey, would you kill me if I postponed? If not, I'll rally. I've just turned into an old geezer lately. :(
ME:  What! I just dried my hair AND put on make up!!!!
SoCal: Ok, leaving here in 10.


Sorry, but I was not about to let homeboy off the hook, esp with a full face of makeup and freshly blown-out hairz! 


Since I had to completely start over and it was now weds night, I decided to put on one of my "shazam" skirts.  It just fits so perfectly, showing off the goods and hiding the bads.  As SoCal and I walked down the stairs to Pravda, he made sure to tell me how good the skirt looked.  
My thoughts:  "Ooh! He's flirting. Sleazebag! Here we go...."
So we went to sit down and he even made a comment about putting our chairs closer together.  
Hmmmm....
I apologized for not giving him a pass for tonight and he apologized for even asking. He said his life has just been "Crazy and stressful" lately but he's really glad I got him out and that it was good to see me.
Of course I had to comment on the "crazy and stressful" part and he said "Let's wait until we get our drinks and I'll fill you in."
I'm wondering if he's really causing this much build up around having a stupid GF?  But I really couldn't wait to hear more about FakeBoobs McCougar, if he was actually going to go there.
So, I filled the time until our drinks came [which, btw, was INORDINATELY long for some reason!] with funny stories and minor updates on me. 
Finally, those damn drinks came.
We toasted each other, took a sip. And then he dropped the bomb:
HIM:  So, I'm going to be a father.
ME: [Sound effects of choking on my Moscow Mule]
HIM: Yep, I'm having a kid.
ME: Holy sh*tballz mo*ther#@%!!!!


Well, this certainly sheds light on the FB official with FB McC! 
Talk about a curveball.
I was SO not expecting that!


Poor, poor SoCal.
I mean, duuuumb DUMB SoCal.  Seriously?? Wrap that shit up, dude!  And also, FB McC-- how are you 41 and not on the pill?
Shame on you both. But enough of that. What's done is done. 
And this thing is DONE.


He is trying to make it work. They've moved in together. It all feels like a giant shit tornado and I think he is already regretting the co-habitation.  I really do feel for him.  
He's young.
Good-looking. 
Smart.
Successful.
I can see how this has really sucked the wind out of him.  I just hope he can find a way to make it work so he can still have the life he wants for himself. 


Hey, this post is also an excellent reminder about birth control! See- I also aim to educate while retelling the ridiculous tales that are my life.


Guess that officially closes the dating chapter on SoCal. Not that it wasn't unofficially closed already. 


As for me, I have my big client cocktail holiday party tonight.  I am wearing a hot, red dress...which also happens to be guy I like's most fave color on the planet.
Secretly hoping we will meet up afterwords.  But as of now, this is just a pipe dream.
Send out some good vibes for me, would y'all? I'd be super grateful.  'Tis the season, after all. Right?


Love ya. Mean it.